A Fractured Glimpse of the World Economy

After dragging the Greek economy into a state of absolute debt and thereby forcing a situation in which it could buy three or four Greek Islands for the expanding empire it called the National Tourist Industry, the German nation, which could now be quite rightfully referred to as the Federal Deutschebankslande, turned its gaze toward the Iberian Peninsula. With Portugal already reeling, or being reeled in, the German bankers knew that Spain would be hard pressed to resist the morsel of bait it had dangled before it. When the hungry Spanish Right snapped, Germany tugged and buried its barbed hook so deep in Spain’s soft palate that the entire peninsula choked. And so, with the Spanish mackerel in their net, the Krauts demanded their pound of flesh of interest. Everyone outside of Germany was sure they would be taking the Balearic or Canary Islands, but one only needs to be certain of any one thing in this chaos world for that one thing never to occur. What the Germans lusted after was not the sun and sea so much as the absolute humiliation of those it could humiliate. Therefore, with cold-blooded Schadenfreude, the German Banks demonstrated that the interest to be extracted from Spanish debt would be Spain’s most valued asset – its national football team and coach. Because of this, in 2013, only seven months before the Brazil World Cup, the reigning world champions changed their nationality to Deutsch and added a black bar to their red and yellow flag in order to win a second World Cup, this time for Germany. In this way Spain was liberated from its national debt to the Germans, a liberation which, unfortunately, did very little to free the Spanish economy which all but disappeared completely when people stopped buying Spanish football guernseys and the Spanish people were reduced to a nation of on-the-beach-masseurs for the Leviathan bellies of German tourists who had invaded the Iberian coasts. This pathetic condition however could only be sustained a few more years as the German economy had already started to feel a pinch it had itself created by destroying the heart of the consumers who sustained it. With the Spanish consumers gone, German industry collapsed and decided to sell its national heritage as well, until it discovered that it had nothing worth selling. As such the German Empire collapsed into a state of misery unseen even in the Weimar age, or at least until the only country that could save Germany stepped into the arena. China had found something that Germany had that China wanted. The Chinese eyes gleamed as they rubbed their hands and purchased, at what China considered a very reasonable price, that which the Chinese thought could provide them with something they had always been short of. For the first time in the history of the world a country’s DNA went on the market. The Chinese took Germanic genes and within one generation one thousand million Chinese had surpassed a height, in socks, of two metres, while the average German shrank below one point five metres. Unfortunately for the Chinese this sudden and brutal growth in their physical stature brought an enormous strain on the economy, demanding, as it did, an intense reformation of all Chinese infrastructures which at the same time caused an upsurge in back problems of plague proportions. This huge problem required masseurs no longer available in China for the last Chinese masseur had emigrated to the West generations ago. Luckily though for Chinese backs, Spain had already accumulated a surplus of masseurs starved of work by the diminution of German bellies. The Spanish massage clinics became famous throughout all China and the profits reaped by those companies restored the Spanish economy to heights unseen since Cortes’s sacking of Tenochtitlan, allowing Spain to buy back its national team and win two more World Cups in the 60s.

Perhaps everyone at last could have been happy, but…

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